Out of the Cocoon

In The Truth Project, Del Tackett describes that sometimes we are sent into what he calls a cocoon. We have to take a lot of time and exploration to discover an answer to a question or problem. When we get out of the cocoon, we hopefully have come to a better place. For him, it was a question about God's name as Jealous. I've been through many cocoons, but I have just come out of my first parenting cocoon and I feel much more beautiful.

Before I write more, I have a warning. There are those of you who will probably be offended by this post. This post is not meant to offend. In many ways, posting this post is taking guts on my part because I know some people are going to think this is a personal attack or think that my decision somehow invalidates theirs. This is not my intent whatsoever. I am not here to attack. I am hear to express my own cocoon moment, to share what I have learned to those who might find it helpful. If you disagree, that is perfectly fine. If this causes you to go into a cocoon of your own, that's good, too. And if you yourself happen to agree with me, I would love your encouraging support.

Several months ago I posted a post entitled "My Opinion on Corporal Punishment (And Please Don't Stone Me!)" In many ways, this post is a follow up and a continuation of that post. For many reasons, I was thrown into a cocoon, but the primary reason is as Alexis is growing I knew I had to know what my way of parenting her would look like. So I delved in. I read and I read and I read. I heard and I listened. I weighed and I thought. And I emerged stronger. I will not be hitting Alexis ever. (If you take issue with the word hitting, hit is defined as "to deal a blow or stroke to." Spanking is a form of hitting. That's semantics, so let's leave this behind).

Here is what I learned in my cocoon:

1) Before I went into my cocoon, I knew that because of spanking in my own life I was sent into several years of self-injury. I thought that if you really wanted to show you were sorry for something you had to suffer physical pain. Thank the Lord He rescued me from this and showed me this was a lie.

2) I discovered that there are tons of studies that show how ineffective spanking is. I could find no studies that proved spanking was more effective than other means of discipline. The only thing that popped up in support of spanking were parents saying how wonderfully it worked for them (but I wondered how many of these parents didn't realize the psychological effect spanking actually had on their children. Good outward behavior may not reveal a wounded heart.) If you want to read more about this, I found a wonderful link by Dr. Sears that sums it up: 10 Reasons Not to Hit Your Child.

3) I discovered that spanking has been linked to depression and feelings of a lack of self-worth. That shocked me because I have struggled with depression and self-worth most of my life. I don't think spanking was the only cause, but I think it contributed to it. (As a side note, spanking has also been linked to sexual confusion because spanking can actually cause erotic feelings. This is why it is used in S&M).

4) I found out that the rod verses in the Bible are not necessarily translated correctly by proponents of spanking desiring to defend their practices. This one blew me away the most because I discovered that the Hebrew term for child in these verses is almost always used of youths in the Old Testament except for some exceptional cases. I wondered why translators got to those verses and just all of a sudden decided the word meant child there (maybe some cultural ideas?) More info on this can be found here and here. It is also interesting to me that proponents defend spanking their children, but not beating adults since Proverbs also says to beat a fool, the idea here being an adult.

5) I came to the conclusion that the Bible does not say we must spank our children. Even taking the rod verses, there is no command here.

6) I wondered why people who are so stuck on the rod verses don't uphold Deuteronomy 21:18-21, " If a man has a stubborn and rebellious son who does not obey his father and mother and will not listen to them when they discipline him, his father and mother shall take hold of him and bring him to the elders at the gate of his town. They shall say to the elders, "This son of ours is stubborn and rebellious. He will not obey us. He is a profligate and a drunkard." Then all the men of his town shall stone him to death." (You could say that the law is part of the Old Covenant, but interestingly in other ways Christians say we should follow the law, especially the Ten Commandments and a few others many Christians in this group like like no tattoos).

7) When Jesus dealt with the adulterous woman, according to the law, she deserved to be stoned. But Jesus' actions show that just because the law said to stone her, it didn't have to be done. He put forgiveness in its stead.

8) I want my daughter to honor me, not fear me. Maybe some will disagree with this, maybe they think their children should fear them, but that is not what I see the New Testament saying. It says that "perfect love drives out fear."

9) I found that there are a large number of Christians who have raised or are raising children without using spanking. Those that have raised them, many of them have godly, well behaved children. Therefore, it is possible to raise a godly child without resorting to spanking.

10) Why not? Why not choose to not spank? If I can parent a godly child without hitting her, why not? If someone said to me, "You can spank her or you can not spank her but she'll turn out the same regardless," then why would I choose to hit her? The answer is obvious to me.

So, that is what resulted from my cocoon. Take it or leave it. Love it or hate it. It makes no difference to me. This is my cocoon and I have come out the other side.

A few links I have found helpful:

A woman's account of going through her own cocoon, deciding to stop spanking

Whole Heart Online: a ministry of a family that encourages gentle discipline. I can't wait to read their book that will be reprinted soon, Heartfelt Discipline.

I Take Joy: Sally Clarkson's blog, a founder of Whole Heart Online. I will be often going here for encouragement and advice since I am located in a part of the country where my choice of raising my child will not be popular (though I have discovered, thankfully, I am not alone).

Supernanny: A link to a great book I have been reading. I love Jo. She has such a gentle, yet direct way of working with children.

Finally, please do not flame me. If you really hate everything I wrote, you have that right. If you really want to talk to me because you disagree and you want to know more about my reasoning, e-mail me or call me. If you want to contact me to prove me wrong, please don't waste your time. I am adamant about my decision. I do not want to get into an argument of who is right or who is wrong. I have left that behind. I have staunchly decided not to get into an argument over this. I am out of the cocoon and not returning.