Two Things Not to Say to Someone Trying to Get Pregnant (And What TO Say)

So, this post is a bit personal...well, a lot personal.  The first time we tried to get pregnant, it took us a year and a half.  Through that year and a half, I cried myself to sleep many times, I prayed and cried out to God consistently, and I struggled with my own selfish will.  God blessed us with Alexis at the very last moment, when I had given up completely and the next step was going to a fertility specialist.  I know she is a gift given to us.

Now, I'm back in the same boat.  And just like there are things you don't say to a woman who has suffered a miscarriage, there are some things you don't say to a woman trying to get pregnant.  I boiled it down to two.  Here they are:

1) "You just need to..."  Please stop now.  Please don't say another word.  Do you know how this phrase makes me feel?  What you may mean as helpful advice, I hear as an indictment: "It's your fault you aren't pregnant.  You've been doing this all wrong.  For the last several months, if you had just done this you would be pregnant."  Thank you for making me feel like an idiot, an ignorant, uninformed idiot.  And thank you for pointing out to me the fact that I have failed...again.

There are a slew of phrases that can follow the "You just need to..." such as...

--"You just need to relax."  Ah, yes.  Thank you for pointing that out.  Did you know that some rape victims, under a lot more stress than me, actually manage to get pregnant?  (I can't take credit for that one; read it on someone else's site).
--"You just need to eat _______."  Of course!  If I just eat what you think I should eat, I'll get pregnant!  Did I mention that I have lost 13 pounds in the last few months because I have been watching calories and eating healthily?
--"You just need to not eat ______."  Did you know that teenagers that consist on a diet of soda and candy bars get pregnant?  And did I mention I don't keep sodas in my house and I don't chow down on sugar every day?
--"You just need to go to a ______."  Put any kind of "doctor" in here except an infertility specialist.  Apparently, acupuncturists, chiropractors and health stores have the corner on being able to help women defeat infertility.

Seriously, if there was one sure fire way to get pregnant, then it would work every single time.  Why the "You just need to...." drives me so crazy is that I usually hear it from people who do not know me.  They don't know my lifestyle habits at all and assume that I have done something wrong.  The only person I let tell me what to do to get pregnant is my OB.  He knows my habits and knows how my system works so he is the best one to give me advice (not to mention he went to medical school for years).

2) "Don't worry.  You had a baby before.  It's actually easier to get pregnant the second time."  No...no, it isn't.  In fact, many couples struggle to get pregnant the second time.  Having had a baby already gives me no assurance of ease in the future.  In fact, there is a phrase for those who struggle the second time: secondary infertility.  It exists.  End of story.

So, what can you say to me?  I want to praise my friends, family, and especially my Life Group.  They have been awesome.  They just continue to pray for me and they let me know they are praying for me.  That helps more than anything else because I want my desires to line up with God's timing and praying with me or telling me you are praying for me is encouraging because you are going right to the source I am going to: the God of the universe who is sovereign.  So, please, pray, send me encouraging scriptures, walk with me and let me cry with you when I hurt.  That will mean the world to me.