The Error of Legalism, i.e. Don't Make Stupid Rules

So, Mama Kat posed a suggestion for a blog prompt that I answered instantly in my head.  The prompt is "Share a story from fourth grade."

In my fourth grade class we had a rule.  That rule was that you could only go to the bathroom at designated bathroom times.   If you went at any other time, you lost your recess privileges.  One day, I had to go to the bathroom badly.  I still remember the pain in my gut because I was trying to hold it in.  I finally determined it wasn't worth it and I went to the teacher and said I had to go to the bathroom.  She asked if I knew I would lose recess.  I said yes, but I had to go.  So she let me go.  And, yes, I lost my recess that day.

Being older and reflecting back on that incident, I realize how stupid that rule was.  I know that the teachers probably decided they couldn't have students asking to go to the bathroom all day and I get that.  But at the same time, it was a legalistic rule that put good kids in a position where in order to save themselves the embarrassment of peeing on the floor, they had to be "bad" and go to the bathroom at the wrong time.

I think as adults we need to take care in the rules we make.  There are some rules that should be hard and fast: Don't play in the street, for example.  There are other rules that we seem to come up with that don't need to be made in the first place or at least, the mitigating circumstances need to be explained.  For example, the rule "no ice cream before bedtime."  Let's say you're having a fun family night and all of a sudden, everyone gets a craving for ice cream.  Gracious, let the kids have the ice cream!  That's a rule I would never make.  Another example: "Don't tattle."  Yes, we don't want our children to become busy-buddies constantly in everyone else's business and determining on their own what their siblings should and shouldn't do.  Here, we need to explain to them the mitigating circumstances: Don't tattle, unless your brother or sister is going to get hurt.

However you decide when to make rules, when to not make them and when to include mitigating circumstances, just keep in mind that not all rules are good.  As parents, we need to evaluate the rules and make sure the ones we impose matter and know why they matter.  One of the best books I have read on parenting is Grace Based Parenting by Tim Kimmel.  A question he posed in the book has stuck with me and shows up at least once every day in my parenting: Why does it even matter?  That one question has saved me so many times from legalistic rules I might have imposed on my daughter because so many times I realize whatever she wants to do is fine.  Indeed, it doesn't matter.

(As a side note, I am also not a fan of rules that parents punish for breaking when the child had no knowledge of them.  This is completely confusing for a little child.  For example, the child draws on the wall with a crayon.  No one ever told that child this was wrong and not to do this.  Suddenly, the parent sees the wall and the child is punished without having any idea that it was wrong in the first place.  Thus, parents need to have the wisdom to head off trouble before it happens by explaining beforehand or, if the event has occurred and it has been revealed a rule needs to be established, then don't punish, but explain why what the child did needs to not be repeated.  After all, children are learning how to navigate this world; they need our patience more than anything else).