What Does Your Child Live With?

I've been reading a book called Seven Things Children Need by John Drescher.  Today I read a poem that struck me in the heart:

"If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.
If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.
If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.
If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves.
If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy.
If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy.
If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.
If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.
If children live with tolerance, they learn patience.
If children live with praise, they learn appreciation.
If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.
If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.
If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal.
If children live with sharing, they learn generosity.
If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness.
If children live with fairness, they learn justice.
If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect.
If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them.
If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live."
--Dorothy Law Nolte

I would modify the last two as a Christian mama (If children live with security, they learn to have faith in God and if children live with friendliness, they learn to enjoy those around them (since our world is not always a nice place and I don't think we need to pretend it always is)).  Still, I agree with most of the poem and especially the principle behind it that begs parents to ask the question "What is my child living with and what is he learning from it?"

Drescher discusses all throughout his book how parents affect their children.  He describes parental influence like this: "Parents are a kind of mirror in which children see themselves. This influences their perception of themselves and the kind of persons they see themselves being. They absorb early the emotional climate of the home and sense whether they are surrounded by care and love or by selfishness and tenseness."  In reading this book, I have had to look in my own mirror to ask what Alexis is seeing about herself in me.  Some of Drescher's tidbits have struck close to home.  I'll share four:

1) "A parent can also cause feelings of rejection by doing things for the child with an air of martyrdom."  I admit I have done this.  When I am busy and for the millionth time Alexis needs my help, I tend to breathe out in frustration then reluctantly go over to help her.  It hadn't occurred to me that by doing this she may feel rejected.  I am working on always serving her with a joyful heart.

2) "Underprotection is less dangerous than overprotection. A parent obviously should seek to protect a child from danger. Yet by overprotecting the child the spirit of adventure can be damaged, instilling a spirit of fear rather than faith."  I protect Alexis everywhere we go and some of that I know is needed.  I'm not going to let her run around outside by herself or jump off the stairs or be alone with strangers.  However, this was a good reminder that I need to allow her to have a spirit of adventure and not be so overprotective that I keep her from doing things that build her faith.

3) "When age-appropriate freedom is denied to them, a child can feel that their judgments are not trustworthy."  I have begun offering Alexis more choices instead of choosing for her.  I had done this early on, but I think she can handle even more choices now.  I want her to learn that she can make judgments and that I trust her to do so.  I don't want her to think that she is incapable of choosing.

4) "John Locke years ago advised, 'The sooner you treat him like a man, the sooner he will be one.' Children have a remarkable ability to live up to their reputation. Call a child a rascal and the child will probably act like one. Call the child bad and the child is likely to prove it. Tell your friends your child is a little devil and they’ll soon agree. On the other hand, parents who trust their children and expect the best of them usually find the children living up to their expectations."  This is one I have actually worked on from the beginning.  A friend of mine mentioned once that when she had made a mess, her parents would say, "You're a mess."  She took this to heart, thinking she was a mess, a bad person.  Her parents could have said, "The paint is a mess.  Let's clean it up together."  So I have been careful never to call Alexis anything but sweet names and never to imply that she is the mess or the rascal.  I also think we need to be careful what we say about our children to others in front of them.  If your spouse comes home and you describe all the misbehavior of your child to him or her in front of your child, you are sending the message that your child is a terrible person and that this is the primary thing others need to know about your child.  I made a decision long ago not to demean my husband in front of other people.  We should also make that decision about our children.

What about you?  What is your child living with and what are they learning from it?