The One About Weight

Warning: This is raw.

So I'm going to start this off by telling you a secret: almost every day of my life I look at myself and think I am ugly.

You see, I've never been a skinny minny, not once in my life.  My body shape and metabolism wasn't designed that way.  And when you pass High School where for some reason you managed not to look too bad and then you go to college and spend tons of time reading and studying and then get married and have a baby--well, if you're me, you struggle.

So why do I think I am ugly?  Part of it is culture.  As stupid as I think it is to be pressured by all the models and actresses, I still am.  They get their baby body back in shape in a month (or a week).  I know they have personal trainers and nannies and all and yet, I still compare myself to them.  And then there's the plethora of skinnies out there (if you are one, consider yourself blessed), who proclaim up and down their blogs and Facebook about how sad it is they can't gain weight (please, I'll give you some of mine).  There's also the obsession on social media of posting daily statuses about how much weight people have lost and what they are eating .  Not that it's wrong, but it is everywhere I look.  The fact is, Americans are weight obsessed, look obsessed people.  We are.  I'm so sick and tired of people pretending that we really accept everyone because we don't.  Most people do judge others by their weight.  How many times have I heard someone say, "She's gained weight" or "She's lost weight."  It's standard nowadays.

Do you know what really hurts?  The fact that when I had given birth and I managed to get back down to where I was before Alexis was born, people were all over telling me how great I looked.  Then I gained ten back what with new motherhood a continual burden and guess what?  No one says that anymore.  In fact, I have seen more than one person look askance at me that congratulated me before.  You might defend them and say they might not be noticing my weight.  Yes, but that was all they noticed before and they talk about others as well.  So it's a pretty good guess they are noticing.

So with all this baggage behind me, I read this blog and cried: This Is My Body, Sacred and Scarred.  This woman, who has a body shape much like mine, actually had the guts to show the world her pooch.  I don't have that bravery.  And what hurts worse is I don't have the feeling that I am in any way sacred.  That God isn't upset I don't look like a perfect temple for the Spirit (because how many times have I heard Christian women use that verse to put down other women for their weight or clothes or whatever).  You know, I want to get here.  I want to get to the point that I can be okay with me wherever I am at.  The funny thing is, I've never cared about weight in others.  All I care about is personality and character.  So why does it bother me in me?  I don't know.  But it does.

Does God really view me as beautiful even though I am not American ideal beauty perfect?  Yes.  I know it in my head, anyway.  I am so glad that when I die he isn't going to lay out judgment for my body.  After all, he gave me my body shape and he gave me a baby and he knows my struggles.  I don't recall one time Jesus chastised someone for his weight and I bet some of those tax collectors were rich and pudgy.  I mean, I can't even think of one physical description of someone in the gospels besides Zaccheaus who was short and thus explaining why he climbed a tree.  In any case, you don't have something like this: "And behold, Tabitha was long of dark hair and beautiful green eyes, but alas, she did haveth a weight problem.  And Jesus took her aside and said unto her, 'Do you not know God worketh only in the skinny?  Please him and get thee to the gym.'"  And you also don't have this: "Persis was thin and svelte, beauteous blue eyes and fair hair.  Jesus said unto her, 'Your appearance pleaseth the Lord and he will use you for great things.'"  It's like physical appearance just wasn't an issue for Jesus.  Like he actually cared about a person's spiritual condition over what they looked like.  Hum...

Can I accept me as Jesus accepts me?  Can I fight against the lies that if I don't have a perfect body I am somehow less of a person?  Can I fight against a culture obsessed with appearance?  I hope.  I don't know.  I do know my only hope is to ask God to help me see myself through his eyes and not the critical ones of my culture and its adherents.

(A caveat to head off criticism and "helpful" advice: I do exercise and I do eat healthy.  I am sorry that my body still doesn't look like your skinny one).