A Child Is a Person

I recently went to a teaching conference and one of the speakers impressed me because she has such a nonjudgmental view of children. What I mean by that is she doesn't blame them for being made who they are by a culture they were born into. They didn't ask to be born into the technological age, they just were. However, adults, who were not born in that age, instead of seeing them as nurtured in a certain culture blame them for not being like a past culture. While speaking on this, the speaker said something that caught my attention. She spoke about children being people and it hit me: "A child isn't a project, but a person."

As I have started to navigate the waters of parenthood I have run into a whole lot of parenting advice or methods that are focused on projects...especially in the Christian sphere. I think there is a reason for this. Christian parents reason, and rightly so, that their children should be reflections of Christ. Thus, they often desire their children to look right as a Christian. Yes, we should be Christlike, that is our goal. Yet what does it mean to look like Christ? See, most of the parenting advice or method focuses on this goal: a calm, sit still, never loud, never acting up, quiet sweet little soul that walks next to mom like a precious tiny lamb...oh, and that others look at, walk up to mom and say, "Your child is so well behaved!" But it hit me like a ton of bricks that this is not only an unrealistic picture, but a desire for an achieved behavior not a shaped heart.

There are plenty of people in the Bible that would not fit the model described above. Paul, Moses, Apollos, Deborah, etc. I have taught in many Sunday Schools over the years and it has always been a wonder and a sadness to me that I often teach students that sit still, say ma'am and sir, but can't look at their own hearts in a spiritual manner. Why? They know how to look "Christian," but it doesn't go more than surface down. Our Christian parenting culture often produces well-behaved, empty-hearted projects. And if you think I'm exaggerating, Barna has noted in his research that 61% of teens leave Christianity after leaving their homes. (As a side note, I really want to read this book someday, The Danger of Raising Nice Kids, where one review has summed it up like this: Courageous, not merely compliant--Warriors, not wusses).

Then why do Christian parents decide that their children are Christian if they behave a certain way? Because we have bought into the lie that a child is a project and we get an A or an F depending on how our product behaves on the outside. I can't help but wonder if we are quashing the spirit and heart of our children by making them little controlled behaving robots. I also went to a class entitled, "Where Are Today's Geniuses?" where the speaker discussed how parents and teachers can stomp precious qualities out of children rather than nurture their interests. What hurt most is I have seen Christian parents do some of things the speaker mentioned.

Alexis is a person. I never want her to be my project. I don't want to quash her spirit. I want God to use who she is for His glory. A speaker at the conference banquet noted that we often mistake a child's strength for his weakness. Thus, we stomp out the "weakness" and kill a strength. For her, it was chattiness. Her parents, instead of insisting she be more quiet, nurtured this skill by getting her involved in theater and speaking classes and now she is a speaker and a writer. I have learned a very important lesson: every child I meet I need to think of as a person. I need to seek out what is important to a child instead of making a snap judgment as to what a child needs. I need to see with my mind and heart instead of seeking simple behavior. I hope that Alexis will be able to use her personality, whatever it looks like, quiet or loud, laid back or active.

As a final thought ask yourself this: Do I focus on my child as a person or is my sole focus how he behaves? Do I want a project that people pat me on the back for or do I want a person who can change his world?