They Are In Process: Defeating Anger

One thing I've tried to do as a mother, though I'm not always successful at it, is remember that my children are in process. I have thirty years plus of experience over them and even I am in process in many ways. Often adults see a negative behavior and want it fixed now and in the future. The problem is kids need a lot of practice to build the pathways in their brains that manifest self-control. It takes time for them to develop.

My oldest went through a period where she got angry at the drop of a hat and this included a fair amount of disrespecting authority. It was self-defeating for me to watch her and blame myself, but I did. I figured I had done something horribly wrong for her to be at this place. I felt that way especially because my husband and I have chosen gentle discipline techniques. In my part of the country, this isn't a common choice and it is so easy to blame yourself when you've made a choice not many people around you have (even though I saw children whose parents chose different options having similar problems). It's so easy for parents to judge themselves and others on their discipline choices when most adults hold the belief that children should learn to behave immediately.

At a loss as to how to handle my daughter's anger, I asked a friend who is a child expert for her advice and read up on children and their development. I came to see two things: 1) She is in process. The fact that she was having a harder time learning to control her anger than other children didn't mean we were doing the wrong thing. It meant it was who she is and I needed to see her on a road of progress, not insisting she be at the end right now. 2) She had some valid issues that went deeper. Where did the anger come from? In talking with her, she often expressed her frustration with herself; she felt entirely unable to stop getting angry. Her self-worth took a big hit--she saw herself as helpless and hopeless.

It's here I have to say lowering the boom would have been entirely unproductive and unhelpful. It would have pushed her into a shell of hiding her emotions and learning to pretend everything was okay so the adults in her life would be pleased and she wouldn't get punished. Thank goodness the advice I received helped me to see this was not the way to go.

Along the way in my desire to help my daughter, I found the following resource, a workbook designed for kids to understand anger and how to control it: What to Do When Your Temper Flares: A Kid's Guide to Overcoming Problems with Anger. This was a lifesaver. I was warned that kids who struggle with anger might not like the idea of going through the workbook. My daughter who felt hopeless was convinced this would do nothing to help her. However, as we worked through it, I observed her applying the techniques and they worked. The workbook dealt not with just "don't get angry" but the reasons anger manifests, how our thoughts lead to actions. It gave concrete examples that helped her learn what it meant to control her anger and how to alleviate it effectively.

Today my daughter got upset at her sister. She was pretty angry. But I was so proud of her. Instead of lashing out, she applied a technique. She told me she was going to her room to eat her lunch so she could get away from her sister for a while. Good choice. I have seen her manifest more self-control in the last several months. Some of this is probably maturity, but I think a good dose of it stems from her learning how her mind works and how to deal with its thoughts.

Children are in process. We do them no favors when we forget this. When we expect our children, or the children of those around us, to always behave perfectly, we circumvent the truth of this process. My goal is to help my child navigate the process, to make the way easier for her to get as far as she can. My goal isn't to sit on the side and whine or complain or chastise her for not being there yet. It's a journey and it may be a long one or an arduous one, but my daughter is worth it.