What Does My Child See?

I have to give credit where credit is due for this blog.  I went to the Mom Heart conference last weekend and I came home with so many ideas and ways to encourage my little girl!  So excited!  I seriously have enough material to write blogs for months.  What I am going to blog on today is something that Sally solidified for me during the conference and then Lysa TerKeurst, in her devotional Unglued, brought home to roost.

Sally noted at the conference that the Golden Rule applies to our children as much as it applies to everyone else: "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."  It struck me that mothers often approach their children with "I'm going to do unto you as I feel you deserve."  We basically treat our children as if their works are all important, especially their bad ones.  But when I flub up, when I make a mistake, when I sin, how do I want to be treated?  I want someone to forgive me, to encourage me, to tell me I can try again and that they love me no matter what.  If that's how I want to be treated, then my daughter should get the same treatment.  Instead of an exasperated sigh or a shout, I need to treat her with the grace I, too, want to receive, especially when I'm at my worst.

So then either Sally or someone else at the conference said that our children will imitate the behaviors they see in us.  Makes sense.  But we tend to think about behavior on an action level, i.e. "If I cuss, they'll cuss."  It was the context of the imitation statement at the conference that really grabbed my attention: "If we want our children to respect us, we need to respect them."  My goodness, so true.  And yet, I hear all the time this phrase: "Respect is earned not given."  It's like that's our "get out of jail free card."  We can treat our kids without respect because they haven't given it to us.  That is not scripture.  Jesus emphasized treating everyone, even our enemies, with kindness and respect.  This includes our children.  Children will not be respectful of us if we don't first show them what respect looks like.  I must respect my child.

And then Lysa Terkeurst wrote this in her devotional two days ago: "I want it to be evident that I know Jesus, love Jesus and spend time with Jesus each day."  This so gripped me I wrote it on my mirror so I can see it every morning.  It's true in general, but so applicable to our children.  What do I want my child to see in me every day?  That I know Jesus, love Jesus and spend time with Jesus each day.  At the conference, one of the speakers asked this question of us moms: "What does your child see in your eyes?"  Does she see Jesus?  Does she see love and compassion and grace?  Or does she see anger and frustration?  Another truth at the conference was that we are all born with the innate thought, "I'm not good enough."  Ouch.  Do my eyes confirm that for my child?  Or do my eyes counter it with love and affirmation?

It's easy to say I learned a lot, but I need to do something with it.  Readers, this truly is having an effect on my parenting.  Alexis and I were out at a local grocery store today that has little carts for kiddos to push.  She loves pushing the cart, but her excitement tends to wane the longer the grocery trip.  Today was the same as she became reluctant to push the cart.  I asked her to follow me at one point and she pulled the cart the wrong way and it tipped over with a loud crash, contents spilling everywhere.  People turned to look and I am sure some thought I was that terrible parent giving responsibility to too young a child.  Alexis burst into tears.  I was already frustrated that she was protesting the fact that she had to push the cart (at the beginning of our trip she chose to push it instead of ride in one) and I admit it, part of me wanted to say, "You need to be careful!" or "You pushed the cart the wrong way!" or "If you'd only ridden in the big cart!"  But that phrase of Lysa's came back into my mind: "I want it to be evident that I know Jesus, love Jesus and spend time with Jesus each day."  Yelling and getting annoyed wouldn't be the evidence that I know and love Jesus.  It wouldn't be how I would want someone to treat me if I'd made a big mess.  It wouldn't show my daughter respect.  So I knelt down next to her and didn't even touch the groceries.  I just put my arms around her, held her, kissed the top of her head and said, "It's okay.  It's okay."  And I felt then that the lessons I'm learning are really, truly changing my parenting.  Will I always do it right?  No.  But I certainly can claim the truths I'm learning and be joyful when Jesus does shine through me.