My Beloved Introvert

I'm jumping off of one of Mama Kat's prompts for this post: share a lesson (or lessons) you learned about friendship from an introvert. I'm going to modify it a little and write what lessons I've learned about how to have a close relationship with an introvert from my spouse :-D

I am married to an introvert with a capital "I." In the Meyers-Briggs personality test, there is a continuum with introvert on one end and extrovert on the other. I fall almost right on the line between the two, with one of my toes on the extrovert side. Roger's whole body is on the introvert end.

Most people equate being an introvert with being shy. However, what determines if you are an introvert or extrovert isn't if you talk to a lot of people or not. The determining factor is where you get your energy from. So, an extrovert is someone who gets his energy from being around people. Being alone is hard for this type of person. An introvert, on the other hand, gets his energy from being alone. Interacting with people drains him.

I can get energy from both places. I love to socialize and talk and yet, I like my quiet time, too. My introvert comes out when I am with a lot of people. I need to scope out the territory, so to speak, before I open up. Roger definitely gets energy from being at home in a familiar, comfortable environment and spending time pursuing his interests by himself.

So what have a I learned about how to have a close relationship with an introvert? I've boiled it down to four things:

1) There is a crowd limit. I put this as number one because since people are a drain on Roger and not me, I've had to learn to read his "I've had enough" cues. I've pretty much got it down now. I can see when Roger is about to lose it because he just can't take people anymore. What this means for me is I need to not insist on talking and hanging out more, but respect his limit and say, "I've had a great time! We need to head home now."

2) Silence doesn't mean anger. You must understand this to get close to an introvert. I don't know how many times early on in our marriage I thought Roger was mad when he didn't talk to me and went away by himself. Now I know that he is just being himself. There is nothing wrong and nothing for me to worry about. He just doesn't want to talk and that's okay.

3) Space and time is a necessity. Most men have their "man caves," places where they can go to be a man alone. With an introvert, this is all the more important. We have a computer room and for Roger that is his sanctuary, his place to get by himself. I know that when he comes home, some time that night he will need to be in that space alone for a while. I've learned to respect that space as much as possible (with kids, this gets a bit more difficult, but I'm trying to teach Alexis to also respect that space).

4) Don't smother! Because I need to use so many words in a day (like all women :-D), I can just go at it talking like crazy to Roger. This is what I am probably the least good at holding back. I just want to talk and talk and talk. I need to get better at knowing when I need to just keep quiet so that I do not become a piranha of words that overwhelms my hubby. I mainly accomplish this by talking all through dinner :-)

This is what I have learned about my beloved introvert. I appreciate who he is and that is what really helps us to be a close couple.