In a Toddler's Shoes

One of the things I had promised myself I wanted to do when I had a child was to put myself in that child's shoes. I've watched enough parents forget their children were children and expect them to be little, quiet, reserved adults and it totally annoyed me. I think when I really had this idea was when I taught preschool. In order to teach, you have to calmly get down on the level of the person you are teaching. A teacher who is far above the student may teach the student something, but may never really connect with a student. Thus, knowledge remains on the surface and never goes down deep for the student. So as I taught four year-olds, I always thought of what things were like from their point-of-view and taught accordingly. This meant I also learned to care about Barney, a scary movie like ET and that poor little insect left outside in the cold. I think when we blow off children's little cares we are basically saying, "What matters to you isn't important" and pushes them away from us.

I say this for a little background to this post. Since I have the mindset of trying to understand my child rather than just control her, it makes me think of some interesting things. As Alexis has become more of a toddler, her independence has sprouted. Many parents look at this in a negative light because now I have to spend my time battling the will of my child. Yes, sometimes you will need to do that when your child does need a boundary, but I also think that some of the things children do in toddlerhood deserve a bit more compassion. Here are three things I thought about recently:

1) The word "mine" has become a staple in our house. Alexis turned a corner and now she proclaims her things hers and sometimes other things hers :-D The common response to this for many parents is "Children are selfish and sinners." Okay, yes, children are human so they can be selfish and are sinners. However, they are also supposed to become independent and part of that is figuring out ownership. Ownership is not bad. There are many things we own as adults that if someone stole from us we would cry out, "Mine!" It occurred to me that as Alexis got more mobile and curious and started to get into stuff we were constantly saying to her, "No, that's Daddy's, that's mommy's, that's someone else's." Now, if we as adults emphasize ownership in defining boundaries, should it come as a surprise that our children define their ownership ("mine")?

2) Of course, the word "No" is also in prime working order in our house. The negative response many parents have of this one is that "no" is almost always defiant. Yes, it is sometimes, but not always. What occurred to me here was that, as above, parents spend a good deal of time saying "no" to their children, so of course, the children pick up on this word quickly. Second, "no" is such an easy word to say, "yes" is not. Physically, children can say "n" way before "y," so "yes" isn't usually going to come first. Now, how many times a day do I ask Alexis a question and she has to answer in the negative or affirmative? Often. So she gets a lot of "no" practice. So, the fact that a child learns "no" early on and uses it isn't surprising and in fact is often how she expresses her displeasure. I can give you a sentence explanation of why I don't want something, "When you open that door, it makes me cold." My child, however, can't make that statement yet and may just say "no." I wonder how many times "no" isn't defiance, but just an expression.

3) The last thing that has come with independence is crying when she doesn't get something. I luck out here for the most part because most of the time it really doesn't bother me. When I don't give her something she wants and she cries, okay, she cries. Some parents get really upset with the crying. However, the crying is once again often an expression rather than a defiance. I can say, "I am so disappointed that I could not get Taco Bell today because our eating out budget is used up this month." A little child doesn't know how to express disappointment and so cries. Makes sense to me.

All of this is to say that I am glad I can jump into Alexis' shoes. It really makes parenting a lot easier when you take the time to understand your child instead of just react to her.